Gary Bettman is a vampire. There it’s out there.
And no, I don’t mean the corporate power tool type that is driven by greed and a lust for money and power, so much so, he’s to the point that he’d actually risk shutting down a sport that is the heart and soul of an entire nation that simultaneously also has grown into a billion dollar revenue machine in another, known simply as the National Hockey League. He’s really not an administrative leech out to drain the life of a fan base for a second time in under a decade just so he can line the pockets of his even richer best friends while also cutting off a big slice of pie for himself at the complete and utter lack of concern for the players who give their blood, sweat, tears and lives to play a game he makes money off of.
Run on sentence. Nailed it.
No my furry friends, Gary Bettman is nosferatu.
No, seriously. We’re talking sleep all day, up all night, over the top frilly capes, bad accents, drinks the blood of the living, doesn’t tan (Or SPARKLE dagnamit!), hates crosses, Italian food (mmm Garlic) and having sharp pointy wooden objects jammed directly into his heart while showing no remorse for his victims. He stalks his prey when the sun sets, ravaging small villages and turning the local virgin women into succubae and looks damn fine in a leather jacket. All vampires do. You should know this.
It’s why the NHL is having its second lockout in under 10 years. You see, 10 years ago, Gary Bettman was on an excavation trip to Russia. Alex Ovechkin and Pavel Datsyuk had recently gone missing during a freak cosmic luge accident (think cosmic bowling meets ice luge meets polar bears and vodka) so Bets went in to make sure Ovi and Pav were okay. It was there when he was over ran by a pack of blood sucking vampires, who took the Commissioner of the NHL and dragged him back into their backwater Russian retreat home, where he was abused, tortured with the Very Best Of Ashlee Simpson Live blue-ray with bonus hours of unreleased never before seen footage. He was left an evil sniveling treacherous shell of a human. Once the horror was over, they then turned him into a Vampire.
This is really the ONLY reasonable explanation for canceling half of a hockey season.
So beware folks, the next time you’re anywhere near the NHL head-quarters in Toronto, because on those dim cold Canadian nights, you can still hear the shrill sounds of his victims, clamoring for a sense of purpose, together in unison, chanting bravely into the night sky…
This is Vinny Mac, and That Was The Truth